Happy Belated Birthday Mum

Look what arrived on your birthday!

Possibly the strangest birthday present ever.

I hope it's fitting.

Love you both

xoxo

2 Years

Dear Dad,

Two years mate.

Two years since we lost you.

Sometimes it feels like a thousand years since that last phonecall from you.

Sometimes it feels like yesterday.

Sometime it feels like I could just pick up the phone and call you.

Other times if hits me like a tonne of bricks that I'll never speak to you again.

I miss you every day Dad.

Void.

Dear Mum,

Hi Mum. Wow, where to start.

Well that's the problem.

I can't seem to get started. I'm stuck. I've been sucked into a stupid empty meaningless vacuum and I can't seem to get started again.

While outwardly I seem to be normal, and fine, and everything seems to be back to normal, it's not. It's not Mum. And I don't think it ever will be.

It's the little things.

Cam's first day of school - Grandma isn't there.

Easter - Grandma isn't there.

Cam receives an award at school for story writing - Grandma isn't there.

Cam becomes student of the week - Grandma isn't there.

Lucy toilet trains - Grandma isn't there.

ALL the things I want to text you about, tell you about, I just can't.

And now we've received the most startling news about the care you received the night you died, and it's just torn the rug out from underneath me. I'm absolutely stunned. Is it true? Could it have made a difference? Could the Doctor have got there on time to save you? Could WE have got there on time to say goodbye? How will we ever know? WHY DIDN'T THEY TELL US!!

You were failed Mum. Failed.

I should have never taken you back in there.

I should have kept you at home with me.

I think I've always known there was something up. I think that's why I've been plagued by these god damn nightmares where I've been trying frantically to save you. I think somewhere deep in my self conscious I knew that I should have been there.

And I was too late.

I'm sorry Mum.