And then you were gone

12 April 2011

Dear dad

well hun, its over. I was having a precious sleep in (I was actually having a crazy dream about you) when mike woke me and told me that Jen had called. Mum found you this morning, dead on the laundry floor.

Its not clear how long you'd been there, Verne thinks perhaps a couple of hours, and it appears you had some sort of massive hemorrhage and passed away quietly and quickly. Perhaps you never even realised what was happening? I hope not, I hope you weren't frightened. It certainly looks like it took you quickly anyway.

I didn't cry when I heard the news Dad. I'm not sure why. Shock? was I already so prepared that it didn't surprise me? I don't know, but I was able to organise two kids and pack bags and get into the car without crying.

I fed the dog, fed the guinea pigs, text a couple of people to explain my absence from the days plans without crying. I got in the car and got gas, without crying.

And then I rang the polytech to ask to be excused from class.

and I had to tell them: My Dad died this morning.

And I cried.

I cried and cried, silent and unglamourous for most of the drive home.

God Dad it's just so unfair. We weren't ready, not yet, not like this, not so soon. We never really got a proper goodbye did we? one last cuddle, one last I love you, one last see you later. I was just too soon.

And I tell myself, and I tell anyone who I talk to - it's for the best, he was so sick, it was so awful to watch, but I still wasn't ready.

And it breaks my heart that mum and Jen saw you like that,hunched  and dead on the floor.

So the day was spent crying, and planning. The news slowly leaking out, people coming to the house to cry with us, to drink tea and offer condolences. The funeral director came and arrangements were made, and we all sat there on autopilot as we picked songs and sifted through photo's.

It's just surreal Dad. You're gone. You're actually gone. There'll be no more conversations about the dogs, about the air force, about something you saw on TV. There'll be no more listening to me let off steam. There'll be no more of anything. It's over. You've actually gone.

And you'll be gone forever.

And I'll miss you forever.

And Lucy and Cam will never know for themselves what a great person you actually were.

and I don't know what I'm going to do with out you.

I love you Dad.

Rest Easy.