Struggling

Dear Mum.

Hi Mum. Well it's been a month.

We had your funeral. It was nice. It was in the hall, same as Dad. The Pateroa ladies catered, the same as Dad, and we drank tea and put on a brave face. Just like Dad.

Richard was there Mum, did you see him? He made it. He was there with us and it meant the world to me to have him there.

God Mum it was terrible. It just wasn't meant to be like that. Not yet. Not so suddenly.

So life goes on doesn't it? Most days I'm doing pretty good. I can keep a brave face and function as a normal human being.

Other days I miss you so much it takes my breath away.

I had a moment. It was just before 5am on an idle Tuesday and we were being ambulance'd into town after Cam had an asthma attack, as as we pulled into the hospital I could almost see you sitting under the Foyer on the Fredrick Street side, as real and solid as anything. Just like when you were waiting to be picked up the day I sprung you out of hospital. It almost took my breath away with how strongly the memory made you seem. Right there in the half light. I burst into tears, and the Prue from St Johns rubbed my back and tried to reassure me that Cam would be OK.

She must have thought I was crazy.

Maybe I am.

It's all just such a mess.

Why did you die? What happened? could it have been prevented? Should I have got you into Ranfurly earlier? Should I have abandoned Ranfurly entirely and taken you straight to Dunedin? Why didn't anyone listen to me when I told them you weren't safe at home? Why didn't anyone help us?

Or did Dad just come and pick you up?

Was it just time?

I hope it didn't hurt Mum. I really hope you weren't frightened. I wish me and Jen had got there on time.

Your headstones arriving soon. It's all laid out and designed and ready to be cut. I hope you like it.

It's very hard to do someone justice on a slab of granite.

I've picked your ashes up too. I didn't want to leave them at Hopes, but I didn't know what else to do with them - so you're in the hot water cupboard hehe. (Sorry - I really didn't know where to put them!)

So your house sits empty, and slowly things are being divided up and packed away.

I'm sorry Mum. I'm so sorry.

Love Cath

xoxox