10 March 2011
Dear Dad,
It was great to catch you yesterday afternoon. To be honest I completely forgotten that you had chemo yesterday, hence the state of the house when you and Mum arrived.... yeah Toddlers are great like that...
Anyway, it was good to catch up for a coffee. You were, as always, happy and chatting and keen to catch up, especially with Mike on Earthquake recovery up in Chch, I had all the juicy behind the scene's gossip for you.
And it's great you're feeling so good and doing so well, you're being amazingly strong.
But.
I thought you were looking yellow.
REALLY yellow.
You probably don't notice it so much in yourself because you look at yourself every day, but in the week or so since we last caught up I though it was really noticeable.
It's Cam's birthday tomorrow, so when we catch up over the weekend for his Cake I'm going to take a whole lot of photo's of you with the kids, before you start to look even worse. It makes me sick to think like that, but I guess I have to be realistic too.... you've NOT going to go back to looking like you used to. Not without some sort of miracle (one we're all praying for...) I need to start taking photo's NOW. I've got a couple of you and Cam from when you were in hospital, but I need more, I need then taken at home and I need them while you're not looking that sick. I especially need them while you're not feeling sick.
God I wish I didn't even have to think about these things.
God I wish every time I saw you I didn't have to think 'Wow, this is as good as Dad's EVER going to look from now on.
At tech last week we had to set some 'long term goals', 5+ years, and throughout the class they generally all included graduating with our bachelors. And of course it lead to the usual 'Wow my daughter will be FIVE by then! it seems so unreal!' and all I could think was
'My Dad's not going to see me graduate'
And I cried on the drive home.
I hate this disease Dad, I really fucking hate it.
I love you, see you on Saturday
xoxo
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