Devastation

11 February 2011

Dear Dad,

Well we really got the rug pulled out from under us today didn't we.

Jen called me at about 3pm, just as I was heading out the door to my meeting, with the worst possible news. Your liver biopsy was back - It IS Liver Cancer.

and the arse fell out of my world.

Turns out you had Liver cancer all along. But here's the kicker - the lymph node biopsy came back as lymphoma because you have lymphoma too. And as Liver cancer is almost always a secondary cancer the prime suspect it Bowel Cancer. Triple threat. 3 Cancers at once.

She was in tears. I was in shock. How the hell can this be happening?! you STILL don't look sick! not THAT sick! Not three cancers at once sick!

What really upsets me is that you were by yourself when you were given the news, after being given the option for the hospital to contact us to come in you chose not to because you didn't want to be any hassle. And then after being told you weren't going to survive this awful disease you tried to call us for an hour an a half before you managed to get Jenny on the phone. I'm so sorry Dad. I'm sorry you were alone when you heard, and I'm sorry none of us had a phone handy when you were trying to contact us. I wish to god I was there Dad, it's not fair you were on your own.

SO I came straight in to see you, you were just you. Not upset, not distressed. You apologised for the stress. APOLOGISED! Dad you don't have to apologise for anything. You've never been anything but a fantastic father, and we've been blessed to have you in our lives, blessed to have been lucky enough to have YOU for our Dad. Apparently between the phone call and me arriving though your oncologist had been in and talked about Chemo therapy, so they haven't written you off with a short term death sentence yet. But Fuck Dad, I can't see you beating this. Not now it's everywhere.

So tomorrow we're gathering as a family for that meeting with your oncologist. You're calmly optimistic. I'm terrified Dad. Terrified.

I want to crawl under a rock and cry.

I love you Dad.