Face to Face

7 February 2011

Dear Dad,

It's taken me a while to write this, I've had a lot to process since we spent the weekend together.

I was hesitant to see you to be honest. I was scared you'd be thin, you'd look sick. You'd look like you were Dying, and I haven't been ready to face that.

When we arrived on Thursday night you just looked like you always to. Happy to see us, happy to see the kids. Chatty. Friendly. You and Mum showed me around the new Prado. You're pretty impressed with your new wheels. We spoke about me buying your faithful and well loved Toyota off you. But when it was time for everyone to sit down to a family BBQ you disappeared upstairs onto the phone. Now to be honest, you can talk the leg off an iron pot, but still, 2 1/2 hours on the phone? to a person you haven't been in contact with much over the years? really? Jen thinks you were avoiding us - having the whole family in one group was a bit too overwhelming when you're the reluctant centre of attention for all the wrong reasons. I'd almost be inclined to agree, but when Mum was showing me some sewing she's been doing she told me you've been having a lot of trouble eating, and the other night you'd vomited all down the hallway. Were you avoiding us as a group or scared you'd be sick and embarrass yourself? It's OK, for what ever reason, we're not offended. I just hope you don't feel you have to keep up appearances for our sakes.

Otherwise you seem pretty much the same. You looked a bit tired. and you were pretty crabby... but stress does that too, doesn't it?

So your oncologists appointment is tomorrow, and you're adamant you don't want me there. Fair enough. Just know I'm here when you DO want me though, won't you.

I'll always be here for you Dad, OK? The other day, when you took Cam for the ride in the car to get the paper? He told me about it Dad. I know he doesn't talk much, but he doesn't talk rubbish either. And he's very easy to understand when you REALLY listen to him. I cried and cried when we got home to Palmerston on Saturday and he told me
'Cam, Grandad ride in Grandad's Car. Grandad Cried.'
It broke my heart.

You HAVE to fight this, OK? Those Grandkids need you too much.

I'll see you tomorrow Dad, when you drop off the Toyota. I'm really grateful you thought of me rather than just taking bottom dollar for it at the dealers, and I'm trying not to think that you're settling up affairs, OK? I'm taking this car only on the basis that it's a generous offer from a Daddy to his daughter, nothing more, nothing less, and I'll take care of that car like no car I've ever owned before.

Love you Dad xo