Why I'm doing this

SO - I thought now that this is 'out there' and people who know me, my Dad and my family have seen it I thought I'd better explain why I'm doing this.

I want to be able to express, vent and process how I'm feeling in a non confrontational, neutral way. You have the choice to either read this or back away; you haven't been cornered in an awkward conversation with a daughter grieving for a man who's still alive. As you can probably imagine, it's very very hard when your hero is desperately ill, and it's very easy to get to the point where you find that ALL you're talking about and thinking about is Cancer. It's a bastard. It becomes all consuming, and before you know it you're 'that chick who's Dad has cancer' or, as I recently discovered 'that chick who just wah's on and on about her Dad...' (I'm sorry you felt that way, you know who you are, and yes, there's a reason you can no longer find me on facebook.....)

I have some very very beautiful friends (Emma, Kate, Liz, Liane, Raylene, Dee.. oh god I hope I haven't missed anyone.....) who've LET me bleat on, and I love you for it.

And everyone else who's offered words of love and support, I love you for it too.

It's therapeutic for me to write this down, it saves the tears or well practiced calmness in front of the kids  or anything else that I present face to face, it's raw and real, and it's what I'm living in the now.

So because of this some of what I write IS going to be selfish, or blunt, or ridiculously full of self pity, or it might be upsetting, or it might dredge up some miserable things for those reading it, and I'm truly sorry if it does. Please remember that this is a place I'm using to vent raw emotion, and if you're offended, I really am sorry.

I also want to do this because I want to remember the journey of Dad's illness. I've found myself reaching out to people who've been in this very situation, and I've found they seem to only concentrate on the end. I'm not sure why this is, and I'm frightened of what I'll be like when it happens to me, but I hope I can look back on this blog one day and have my Dad's whole journey right here in black and white. Every crying fit, every triumph, every little detail. So that later on, maybe it'll take years, I can look back on this and perhaps get some sort of comfort. Or maybe it's just a good place to store all those little things you take for granted everyday, but become precious memories in  the future.

So if you're reading this, thank you for giving me an outlet, for those who've offered your support, I love you for it, and to anyone else out there in the big wide world who may have stumbled across this while you're on your own journey, I hope can provide some sort of comfort that you're not the only person feeling like you are.

Mum, Jen, Cam, Lucy and Mike - I love you all, It's a bastard of a journey we're on but I couldn't wish for better people to go through this with.

And of course: I love you Dad

xoxo