Still Waiting

2 February 2011

Dear Dad,

Well, still no news. I even rung tonight to see how you're doing, because I'm SURE Mum's sick of me texting a million times a day. She'll be stressed enough without me harping on and on at her. I'm sorry I'm winding her up, but I'm having trouble just sitting back and waiting for something to happen. I want action now!

You sound fine. You chat about the dogs, drenching lambs, organising the muster, unblocking the septic tank (ewwwww! you better not die! Cos I don't want one of my last conversations with you to involve poo on the lawn! Dad! seriously! LOL) and you still sound well and happy.

I was glad you're so happy and open to talk about it though, and I'm glad you sound SO positive about treatment (if we EVER find out what exactly that entails), I was worried you were either
A - Shutting it out
B - Not comprehending the seriousness of the situation
or C - you'd already planned to not take the treatment and just take what comes when it comes.

I know you must be terrified about Chemo, it's the unknown isn't it? You saw Grandma go through it, and then Grandad died before Chemo could even be organised, and it must be horrifying when your only first hand experiences with Cancer have been fatal. I'm not sure what to tell you to reassure you. It's gonna be bloody hard Dad. It's going to be painful and long and you're going to feel like shit 99% of the time. And yep, you'll probably LOOK sick, and you even might lose all your dunny brush hair, but that's OK. You'll still be YOU and you'll be doing SOMETHING to fight this. And we'll be here to support you, 100% and 24/7, and all those other buzz word catch phrases you like to use LOL

I worry about Mum. I'm worried that she's shutting down. I KNOW she's terrified. You can tell. She went out today and bought a fortunes worth of Land Cruiser Prado, and we know mum ONLY spends money when she's terrified. We've seen it first hand - remember when Richard was in hospital and she bought that laptop? (Although I can't really comment... me and Jen spent every day down at the shops when Richard was in ICU.... and if I'm REALLY honest, I bought new shoes on Thursday after you were diagnosed... I was SO upset when I got home, and had a big melt down about 'happily' shopping while my Dad was so sick, but I honestly think I had gone onto auto pilot and carried out my last conscious decision as a coping mechanism....)

I'm gonna see you tomorrow anyway, when we all come out to stay before Liane and James' Wedding . I hope you're looking as well as you claim to be. I'm a wee but scared about seeing you in person, please don't be freaked out if I cry!

Love you heaps xo